Health & Loss – Part 2

I have been struggling on where I want to go with the second part of this post. My posts up to this point have focused on the healing process for me after losing a child. I now feel that I am in another transition period of my life. All of the components that have guided me to be the person I am today are changing. 

Life has been a whirlwind, so much has happened in the past six months that has tested me mentally. It has been a time in life where I could sense God’s work in the midst of it. Did I like it? Absolutely not. It has been rough. But I knew He wasn’t going to lead me astray. Along with so many of you, this pandemic has led me to change many areas of my life.

I ended part 1 of this series with starting to look at the gym as a place to build myself into who I want to become instead of a place to hide. Just before the pandemic hit I was at a point in my life of wanting more. 2020 was supposed to be my year of Spartan races. I was focused on these races and so excited to see what I could achieve. I was finally at a point where I knew I was meant for more. I felt my confidence growing. Life was finally looking up. Of course, with the pandemic, everything was canceled and I was more than frustrated. 

The place I went to build myself was taken away and the one thing I was striving for physically was gone. I didn’t know what to do. Negativity was creeping in. I knew I had to get out of that mindset as soon as possible. Then Oksana, my coach came to me with an idea that I thought was out of this world. She mentioned to me about doing a photoshoot. Um. Excuse me. This introvert doesn’t do things like that. Heck, I used to work for a photography company and I didn’t even like being the test subject and now you want me to get half naked and have my picture taken? I was so proud of myself, I didn’t tell her no, although I probably gave her a look of disbelief. I told her I would have to think about it and talk to my husband. This decision was not easy for me. I knew I would be tested mentally. I knew there would be challenges. I knew I would be questioned. I’m sure I have been judged. It was so far outside my comfort zone but I could see the benefits without even going through it yet. One thing I have chosen to do is push myself into uncomfortable situations. I want to challenge my comfort zone. I want to grow who I am. This decision was one of the best things I could have done for myself.

When I first began back in July I had no idea what I was getting into. I knew I had to be super strict with my diet and laser focused on my workouts. Like I said before, I knew there would be challenges, but I didn’t expect any of the challenges that were thrown my way. This experience has tested me in ways I never would have thought. It has proven to me really just how strong I am. 

We all are going through some crazy life right now. You are not alone in those struggles. Aubrey’s 4th birthday landed at the beginning of all of this and her 3rd heaven day right in the middle. I never know how I am going to feel when these days roll around. This year was a little harder than previous and I did let myself go a little off track. I have learned that that is okay. You have to give yourself a break every now and then. I got right back on track and continued doing my thing. Preparing myself for back to school action and the craziness that came with school pictures, business ownership and adding this strict plan to the mix. I had a plan and I was ready. What I wasn’t ready for and what really caught me off guard was the mental test God put me through for two months. He tested my ability to deal with people. He tested the way I would respond to rejection. He tested my heart. He tested my strength and my integrity. He tested my endurance. He tested my trust in Him.

Being tested by God in so many ways while trying to test myself physically was rough. I had days I wanted to give up. I questioned who I was and questioned God daily. Now that I can look back, I know I made mistakes because I am human. But what I learned was so much more. I learned that with Jesus, I am strong. I learned that I am worth more than I let myself believe. I found out I actually enjoy stepping out of my comfort zone. I have learned to truly love myself and to embrace my flaws. I have learned that it’s okay to tell people how you feel and to stand up for yourself, it’s up to them how they respond. I have accepted the fact that I will always love and give more of myself than I will ever receive. I choose that because that is what makes me happy. 

From when I began my weight loss journey to the day I took these pictures I lost a total of 60lbs. (Take a look below for progression & professional pictures). It was hard work. My journey is not over, I’m slowing down for the holidays. I have already started gaining some of my weight back, yes on purpose. That, in and of itself is not easy to do mentally, after putting in all that work to lose it. It’s crazy to realize how much control you really have over your body as long as you put in the work. You have to want it. After the holidays, the focus will be back on training for the 2021 season of Spartan races. I can’t wait to get back out on the course and travel the country to see what else I can do.

PROGRESSION PICTURES

PROFESSIONAL PICTURES