Health & Loss – Part 1

Getting healthy after losing a child is one of the last things a person wants to do. You know all the benefits that come with diet & exercise but that requires effort. You’re already struggling to make it through the day, heck to make it through the hour, why would you put one more thing on your to do list. Mentally, you’re in a fog. For me the first couple months I really had no idea what was happening but I could sense everything. I was numb to the world but I could feel the deepest emotions I have ever felt. I was lost but yet I knew God had me right where He wanted me and was not going to let me go. He has given me everything I have needed at the precise time that I have needed it.

I knew my mental health was in a downward spiral. I was completely lost. We went from feeding & medication schedules, suctioning, trach changes, physical therapy and doctor appointments to just us. My life was Aubrey for 13 months and then God decided it was time for her to come back home. I knew I had to start working on myself before I got too far into that hole where I couldn’t get out. It took a lot of effort. I did not want to do anything for myself. The guilt was almost unbearable. How could I be so selfish to want to do something for me when my daughter wasn’t here anymore? God kept reminding me that it was okay. He kept giving me the assurance that what I was feeling was valid and taking these steps was necessary. 

Mentally I continued to battle with guilt, with rejection, with hate. Immediately after Aubrey went to heaven I knew God had a plan and as much as I hated to say it I would rather her be in heaven with Jesus, where she is whole and healthy, than here on earth battling this life. Even though I recognized this it didn’t make the fact that she wasn’t in my arms any easier. It took me a couple months, but I finally quit the job that I was miserable at and God placed a new one right in my lap that was far less stressful. He fully surrounded me with people who cared, from my home life to my church family to my job, everywhere I turned were people I knew I could trust. 

Once I saw improvements mentally and I knew I could handle adding something to my plate, I returned to the gym. I started a 6 week program that included a meal plan and classes to attend, but I’ll be honest I was really only going as an escape. I used it as therapy. It was a place I could hide from my reality. Nobody knew my story there, I didn’t have to talk to anyone and I could retreat into another place and just work. Little did I know, God was going to use this to teach me things about myself I never knew. He was going to challenge me in ways I would have never expected. 

I met my coach and now friend through this 6 week program. Not to anyone’s surprise, I did not open up immediately to her. If you don’t know me, I am not a talker, especially in a group setting. I know that God placed her in my life to challenge me and open my eyes to new possibilities. 

I’m a very open, honest person but I don’t just talk to talk. You actually have to ask me. I don’t let just anybody into my life, it takes me quite some time to truly trust someone. I’m also stubborn and am huge on first impressions, when I get an opinion of someone it’s hard for me to change it. In the beginning, I just wanted to go to the gym, do my work and get out. But I also realized that if I wanted to see any progress I would need to let her in a little deeper than just the surface stuff. She questioned me. She didn’t pry and she didn’t force anything out of me. She asked the questions she needed to know in order to get to know who I was and what my goals were. As we spent more and more time together, I began to very slowly, and I mean very slowly, let my walls down. She proved to me that she had my best interest at heart and she truly cared about me and my health.

I spent the first year just doing the work. I learned how to use the equipment at the gym and the ways I should be eating. I really had no goals and didn’t plan on making any. Many days after I left the gym I would sit in the parking lot with tears streaming down my face. I was mentally and emotionally exhausted. I was trying to be strong for my family, strong for myself, strong for the sake of being strong and I was tired. Tired mentally and physically. At that point in time, I typically went to the gym at 5:00 am and then straight to my job where I got to be around children all day. For those days that I felt that I couldn’t do it anymore, I had to learn how to release the hurt inside and then pull myself together, put a smile on my face and continue on with my day. I have always told myself, even before Aubrey, that when I come across people throughout my day, I want to be the person who puts a smile on their face and not the person who unloads my problems on them. I don’t know their story and they have enough problems of their own. If I can make their day brighter in any way then I will do that. This is how I was able to pull myself together each and every day. I knew those kids and teachers that I came in contact with could very possibly have a terrible home life, and I knew if God could use me to just make their day even the slightest bit better, I was going to do everything I could to do that.

My coach started talking to me about my goals and what I was wanting to achieve. I really had no idea. As my mental health was improving I knew I wanted to continue progressing in the gym. I threw out the idea of a Spartan race because they looked like something I would enjoy. So that’s what I began training for. I was finally getting excited about being at the gym, I actually had something to work for. Just when progress was starting, I found out I was pregnant. I honestly wasn’t sure how to feel. I wanted to be excited but I didn’t get my hopes up. I continued going to the gym but taking it easy. And sadly, a few weeks later I miscarried. I spent the weekend feeling sorry for myself and then got right back to training for the race.

As year two of living life without my girl was moving forward, I was slowly seeing my mental health improve. I cried less. Yes, something I felt guilty about. I genuinely smiled more. I was starting to feel happier. More guilt. Then God placed it on my heart to go all in and do this for me. I needed to do this to make Aubrey proud, to make myself proud. No, He didn’t take the guilt away at first. I keep a picture of Aubrey in the visor of my car and for the days when life felt like it was going to destroy me, I would look at it and talk to her. I would tell her that I love her and miss her more than anything. I would ask her to help take the hurt in Mommy’s heart and turn it into good. I would ask her to help me find joy again. The hurt is still there and always will be but slowly, with the help of God and my little girl, I felt the guilt go away and I felt the assurance that it was okay to to be happy again. It was okay to want to get healthier for myself.

Once I got my mind in a place where I knew I could achieve more, that’s when I really saw the progress physically and felt my confidence grow. I started looking at the gym as a place to build myself into who I want to become instead of a place to hide. It has not been without its challenges but I have learned to embrace them and use them as stepping stones as I continue to push myself to become the person I want to be. 

Stay tuned for part 2 of this series, where you see what I have been up to for the past few months and the battles I have faced.