3/20/18 6 Months Later

I can’t believe that it has been more than 6 months since we lost our sweet Aubrey. It seems just like yesterday that we got to bring her home from the NICU.

Life is not the same without you. I walk this planet with a piece of my heart in heaven. I will never get it back. I still have a deep hole in my heart every single day. I try to stay strong and most days I succeed, but it only takes an instant for me to totally fall apart.

Seeing that little girl with the glasses, the same glasses that were on order that you never got to wear. Seeing the little one at work with a scar on their neck where a Trach used to help them breathe. I absolutely love these reminders of you showing me you’re still with me. But some days it’s overwhelming. Some days I just can’t handle it and by the end of the day I’m just done.

I was just reading somewhere about how there is comfort in numbers. When I am around people, most of you only see my strength, it’s when I am by myself that I can’t keep it together. I get in my head constantly wondering if I did everything right. If there were things I could have done differently and maybe Aubrey would still be here. When you lose your child there is constant regret, thoughts of what I could have done differently and if I did enough. Even after 6 months, it hasn’t got any easier. The thoughts haven’t lessened, the reminders are always there.

6 months ago my life was shattered. I will never get those days back. I try to be a strength for my family and they have been my rock. We have our rough times as all of us are grieving differently, but to be able to have each other during these times is the biggest blessing one could ask for. We struggle, we laugh, we remember, we constantly share our memories and we love each other unconditionally. God is our strength and comforter and without Him and each other we would never be able to love the way we do.