First Holiday Season

This year the holidays were the most difficult yet most meaningful holidays I have ever experienced. Kicking off the holiday season is Thanksgiving of course. We chose to forego staying home since both of my parents weren’t going to be around. Instead we drove to Montana to visit our most amazing friends, Donald, Jamie and their three kids. Being in Montana is such a great way for us to destress and relax but this was also our first trip without our baby girl. Packing to leave for it was extremely hard as I was only packing for myself. I didn’t have to think about how many suction catheters to grab or if we had enough tube feeding supplies (I will explain more about my daughters medical needs in another post). I didn’t have to worry about how much space in the truck we would have and how uncomfortable sitting in the back seat I would be. This all sounds like wonderful things to not have to think about, yes they are, but when you don’t have to think about them because your child is no longer here it gives you a deep hole in your stomach and huge ping of guilt. Guilt has been one of my biggest obstacles of grief. Although I am learning to live with it, it is still there every time I am out doing something, especially if I am trying to enjoy myself.

Once getting to Montana I began to relax a little as we got to just hang out, not doing much of anything aside from my husband getting to go hunting. As Thanksgiving rolled around the day wasn’t as bad as I was expecting. There were so many people my mind stayed pretty occupied. There was one moment after dinner I all of a sudden needed to step back and breathe for a moment. As I sat there watching our friends with their family I couldn’t help but think that I may very possibly never get to have kids to sit at the table with throwing jokes back and forth. I may never have kids to teach to craft or to cook.  I have always dreamt of having a family but this may or may not be God’s plan for me and this is something I am learning to accept.  While driving with my friend, Jamie we had an amazing talk about how we need to fully give ourselves to God and what that looks like. This includes being one hundred percent okay with his plan no matter what it is. Accepting right now, that my dreams may not be His plan for my life.

As Thanksgiving came and went and Christmas rolled around I decided to take on the attitude of gratitude instead of dreading the day. During the past few months I have become a little more involved in church and during that time I have truly learned the meaning of Christmas. I have always known it is celebrating the birth of Jesus, but I have never really embraced this. It’s always been about the presents and the food. But this year was totally different as my focus was on what I can do to make others happy, what I can do to give back to all of those who have been there for us these past couple years. Last year, Aubrey was 5 months old on her first Christmas and we spent that day in the emergency room because her new feeding tube became kinked in the middle of the night. So she never really got to experience a Christmas here on earth. But this year she got to sit right beside Jesus as He blew out his candles (this is my image of what Christmas is like in heaven).

Learning to enjoy holidays without our sweet girl is a challenge in and of itself but I always know Aubrey is still with us and watching. So I will continue to find all the ways I can to keep her included in everything we do.  Her stocking was still hung with ours and filled with all the ways we gave back this year. We went and found an ornament just for her and hung it on a mini tree that was decorated with all her toys. By making the choice of what my attitude was going to be during the Christmas season helped what could have been a terrible day to be a somewhat decent day. It allowed me to see it in an entirely different way and experience it differently than I have ever experienced before.