First Holiday Season
January 1, 2018
I don’t even know where to begin. I never in my wildest dreams imagined I would have to live without my child. She may have had medical issues but everything was looking up. She was getting stronger every day. She was extremely healthy yet the Lord decided it was time to call her home September 1st, 2017 at 1:12am.
That day as we were heading home from the hospital was like being in a different world. I barely remember any of it. We had an hour drive home and it was the longest yet shortest hour of my life. We were all so utterly exhausted that when we got home we slept for hours. I did not want to leave me bed yet I knew that I cannot just let life pass me by. I am one who doesn’t like others to see me down. I knew and still know that I have the biggest reason in the world to be sad, depressed, negative but I also know that I still have a daughter in heaven watching over me. I have always wanted to make her proud and whether she is here physically or not I will continue to make sure I am making her proud to call me her mommy. That is what gets me out of bed in the morning, knowing she is always watching.
The days and weeks following our baby girls passing were a total blur. All I wanted to do was hold my sweet girl. We were surrounded by family and friends for weeks so my mind was kept busy for awhile. What kept me sain was my faith in Jesus. It never waivered. Knowing that He has an ultimate plan for my life. Praying like I have never prayed before. He has given me the strength to continue with life. I most definitely have rough days, those are the days I continually talk with God and my Aubrey. Those days are getting fewer and fewer in which I have found an interest in starting to write about my journey.
My life has become more focused on church and family. I want to give more than receive. My entire focus has changed. When you think that you know your purpose in life and then it is totally stripped from you, you begin to reevaluate where you are going. I am still searching for my new normal, my new purpose. My only child was taken from me, I wasn’t given a choice on the matter. I know that God has a plan and with my continued faith in Him I will find my purpose and my joy again.
