A Different Christmas

Christmas looks a little different this year. There is no tree, no stockings or lights. I almost feel ashamed when visitors come to my house. I feel the need to explain myself but never really do. I can see them looking at the pile of gifts, not under a tree, just leaning against the wall. Aside from the cards, these are the only indicators of Christmas at our house.

To the people who know me, you don’t even question. You all know of the hole in my heart and how hard holidays really are. I don’t have to explain anything to you. Thank you for understanding. To the visitors that come who know our story, I tell you a different reason just so there are no questions. I say I am so busy with building our business that I just haven’t had time to do any decorations. In reality it is just too hard, but I don’t say that to avoid feeling the sadness. 

Aubrey would be 5 this year, starting her kindergarten year. So many firsts there would be this year. She would be old enough to participate in things at church. Bringing home her first handmade ornaments and Christmas treats. We would just be starting our first winter break. I can imagine spending hours with our close friends doing all the Christmas things. 

I can imagine a tree filled with ornaments and a house full of giggles, the smells of Christmas and the joy this season should bring. Going to Zoo lights and sitting on Santa’s lap, cutting the tree down and gingerbread houses are all of the reasons I avoid social media this time of year.  I know Aubrey would want all of these things but decorating for Christmas is the very last thing I want to do each year. This is the first year that my step daughter is not living at our house. She is the one who always helped me muster the strength to dig out the decorations. But this year, I cleaned and mentioned it a couple times but never could actually get them out. I find it easier to focus on the real reason for the season, Jesus, instead of all the other things that humans have made Christmas about. 

It has been 4 years since Aubrey went home to be with Jesus. Each year is different. I have learned how to live a joyful life with this hole in my heart. I do pretty well most of the time but there are still moments that it just hits you and you can’t control the tears. This, I have learned, is okay and much needed sometimes. 

I love you sweet girl and miss you more than words can express. Merry Christmas.