Loss, Infertility, Life

I am supposed to be working right now but I can’t get this off my mind and needed to get my thoughts in writing. I had this conversation with a close friend a couple weeks ago and it really made me think about my reality in the here and now. How we as a whole rarely talk about the reality that is infertility. The struggle that so many women face but nobody ever wants to bring up. 

My reality is, and it is something I have accepted but honestly still struggle with, I will probably never have more children. As a child I always dreamt of having a big family. I was that little girl who knew one day I would be raising children. I never even considered the idea that I would be one of those one-in-four women who miscarried, twice, and the one who’s only daughter went to heaven way too soon. I had no reason to, I have always been a very healthy person, but God’s plans are not my plans. 

Infertility is hard. As women, we are supposed to be the ones who bring life into this world. And when the reality sets in, that God has decided that that’s not what He has planned for your life, it makes you question yourself and your worth. It makes you wonder what is wrong with you. It makes you question why God would put this dream in your heart and then shatter it, not just the dream but your heart as well. 

Just a month or so after having my second miscarriage I was at a birthday party and a family friend came up to me and asked me about where we were at in the adoption process (before I got pregnant we were about half way through and had to stop it because of the pregnancy). At that point I had to tell her about the miscarriage and explain why we had to stop the adoption process. As we were finishing up she gave me a hug and proceeded to say to me “I’m beginning to think you weren’t meant to have kids”. OUCH! That one dug deep. I already had these crazy thoughts running through my head but to have someone straight up say that to you, that really had no right to, that one hurt. If you know me, you know I’m a pretty easy going person. I don’t say a whole lot and at this point in my life I was already grieving the loss of my daughter and now another miscarriage. I had no idea what to say to this woman, I wanted to go in the bathroom and hide and cry my eyes out. I honestly don’t even remember what I said. I probably just shrugged it off because I was low on any sort of energy to discuss the topic. My point of this story is be careful what you say and how you say it. Us moms, we want to know that we aren’t alone, but be kind with your words. My heart was already broken to pieces and this felt like the knife was pushed in deeper and twisted around. Stories like these happen all the time, or on the contrary they say nothing at all and I’m not sure which is worse.

When I was discussing my continued struggles with the fact that I probably will never have kids with my friend I told her that I have come to terms with it, but it doesn’t make it any easier. As we were talking I realized that that was the first time I have ever had a conversation, outside of my family about the struggles I face with infertility. And as I sat there discussing it with her, I understood how hard it is to discuss the subject, especially for those that don’t deal with it, but also how little it is brought up in the world. It can be very touchy but it is many women’s reality and not something that we as women should be ashamed of. I don’t know why God chooses some of us to endure this pain, but I do know that there is a purpose in it.  

My life, from the outside, looks as though I can do anything I want. And yes, that is the life I am choosing and am building for myself. But on the inside, my reality, the one thing I truly want, may or may not ever happen. So remember that the next time you judge somebody by their social media accounts, you have no idea what their reality is. Most people will never talk to you about the struggles they face. There is a fear that comes with being vulnerable, with letting people see your struggles. If there is one thing I have learned over the past three and a half years, through writing this blog and letting you all see my reality, it’s that when you do let people see that side of you, that vulnerable, deep aching, broken person that we all are side, the most amazing, beautiful things happen. People like to know that they aren’t the only broken person out there. It can be scary, trust me, I’m an introvert and I rarely show my emotions, showing vulnerability in person is extremely hard for me and very rare. But over the past month, God has put me in multiple situations that I could not help but show my heart and the outcome, the way it has been received by the listener, has been far beyond my expectations. People just want the real, authentic you and in giving them that it gives them permission to show their heart as well. 

For the past few months I have really been evaluating who I am and who I want to become. I have been talking to God and asking Him to guide me to be the person He intends me to be. I love people, I love kids and I love having the ability to show God’s love in everything I do. I believe that we are all put here on earth for a purpose, but that purpose is ever changing with the seasons of life that we are all in. I am in a transition phase of life as I build my business and learn what my purpose is in doing so. Along with my niece and nephews, God has given me two very close friends, who both have families. I have a group of kids that I get to love on and be there for. I can’t thank God enough for putting such amazing people in my life, who let me be me, who let me love their kids as if they were my own, and who continually push me to be the best person I can be.