1/21/18 Grief is Real

Guys today has been a great day but a tough one all at the same time. I get so full when I go to church and get to spend time with others who care about the same God that I do. Today we had a fun little Life Group fair for everyone and it was a great fellowship time getting to know other members. Once again the sermon was amazing and such an eye opener. But as I sat there in church looking around that hole that is always there felt a thousand times deeper. I had some flashbacks of Aubrey’s funeral and seeing her face up on the screen. Us sitting in the front row staring at her picture just in front of us. Then looking around at some of the parents laughing with their children and here I am just trying to hold it together so nobody knows what’s running through my head. Have you ever tried to sing while holding back tears. I’m telling you it’s not easy. As I sat out in the foyer enjoying talking to everyone there are brief breaks in the people and its everything I can do not to think about that day of everyone coming together to celebrate the life of our baby girl.

Oh my gosh you guys this grief is so real. I try so hard to hold it together and most days I do amazing. But it’s the days like today that break me the most. When you just can’t stop seeing those images that bring everything back. Just when you think everything is getting better, you have such a great week then it hits you like a ton of bricks. Those images just keep coming like a never ending tunnel. I would not wish this on anybody in the world. If you have ever felt this sort of pain my prayers are with you. They say losing a child is the deepest pain a mother can feel. And oh man, they are right. But even though there is so much pain, God has used this to bring me closer to Him.

I have never felt so much love and trust. He has used this pain to let me see how great He is. I know that that sounds weird and some might not believe it but it is so true. During the week I just feel a hunger to want to know more about Jesus and His life. I am finding myself wanting to read the bible and study more. All I want to do is listen to christian radio and read my bible study books. These just fill my cup and make me want to do good in the world. They are helping me to be able to see God working in my life. Somedays I wonder where He is but I have to remember He is ALWAYS working. On these very hard days when it’s hard to focus on anything else I have to remember that He is there, He has not forgot about me. I need to just seek Him out on a daily basis and not look so much into the future as to what His plan is. I just need to focus on today and what He wants me to do in this very moment.