2/18/2018 The Empty Room

An empty crib, a changing table with trach supplies left in the same spot from the day you passed, toys scattered, dirty cloths in your laundry basket, books left unfinished, blankets left unfolded, equipment left unused, clothes that have never been worn, paperwork that never got finished.

What do you do with a room that once held the most precious thing in your heart? A room that holds so many memories. Where you spent sleepless nights. Where you sang and danced and cried. A room that held everything that saved your baby girls life. From the oxygen tanks to the feeding machine to the suction machine and all of the supplies ever needed. What do you do with it?

I walk into Aubrey’s room every single morning and stand next to her crib where she slept and spent a major amount of her time. I tell my sweet girl good morning and how much I miss her. I tell her about what my day may hold and that I know she will be with me throughout it. I sit there and pray with her like I did every morning while she was here with me. I can still smell her sweet scent. You can still see her indent in the sheet in her crib. Her little hairs laying where her head would be. The towel still sits where it was to catch her slobber. The probe to read her heart rate and oxygen level still lays waiting to be attached. The bowl of water that was used to clean her neck now dried up still sitting. The last cloths she ever wore still sitting in her laundry basket waiting to be cleaned. The suction catheter waiting to be switched out. Toys waiting to be played with.

Aubrey’s room is just across the hall from ours and next to my craft room. I walk past it multiple times and day. Looking in every single time I walk by telling my baby girl hello and I hope she is having a good day. I can’t imagine ever getting rid of her stuff. I know the day will come that I will have to do this. But the thought is unbearable. Just thinking about it makes….I don’t even know, right now it is unthinkable.

I miss you my sweet girl. I will see you soon. I Love You Beautiful.

Love,

Mommy