2/11/18 What Do you Say

Have you ever wondered what the right thing to say to a mother who has lost their child? Have you ever asked someone if they have any kids and they tell you about the ones in heaven? Do you want to ask them about their child or totally run and hide? Do you know somebody who has lost a child but are always afraid to bring anything up that might bring back a memory so avoid absolutely any subject that may trigger something. What I would like you to know is that it’s okay.

For me, it’s okay to ask me about Aubrey. I absolutely love to talk about my child that is no longer here just as much as you love to tell others about your living children. It is an honor to me that you still think about my child even though she is no longer here. To have someone give me a butterfly trinket just because they saw it and knew I needed to have it, means that my daughter is not forgotten. A few weeks ago I asked my facebook friends to send me a picture if they ever came across Aubrey’s name. To have people I haven’t spoken to in ages send me these pictures warms my heart.

I feel incredibly blessed when somebody brings up Aubrey’s name in conversation instead of avoiding it like the plague. The majority of the time I feel as though I can’t talk about Aubrey because there are those out there that think that after some time I should be “over it” or I bring up her name and they think “here she goes again”. But guess what I will never be over it. I will have a gaping hole in my heart the rest of my life. I have to walk this earth without my daughter physically by my side. So because of these people the mention of her name is kept to a minimum.

I have those people who ask me if I have children. I can pretty much anticipate when this question will arise. It mostly comes when I meet new people. At first I didn’t know what to say, do I tell them about Aubrey and make them incredibly uncomfortable or do I not tell them and make myself uncomfortable. I opt for telling them because not doing so hurts me beyond belief. Not telling them, leaves an opportunity to talk about Aubrey not taken. Most people respond with an “I’m sorry” then get incredibly uncomfortable and change the subject as quickly as possible, or they just get silent because they have no idea what to say and the connection we may have had dwindles. Then there are those that surprise you, those that acknowledge our loss. They just say “I’m so sorry about your loss, that must be tough”. That’s it. That’s all they say. And I’m okay with this. They don’t get awkward, they just continue conversation without skipping a beat. These run ins are far and few between but when I come across someone who knows how to respond is a relief. It takes a weight off my shoulders. Whenever meeting new people I know that the question, do you have children will eventually arise and I am on pins and needles until it does. I have to gage how I think they will respond and what information to give them.

What I want you to take from this is, if you have a question about Aubrey please ask. If you want to say her name or recall a memory, please do so. It will mean everything if you bring up her name and let me know you’re okay with me talking about her. And if you are ever in a situation with another mother who has lost their child, please please please don’t make it awkward. We are already worried enough for how you will respond, you can help by asking about our babies who aren’t here. Or even just acknowledge what we are going through. If you don’t know what questions to ask, the best one is “tell me about your child” or you can even just ask what their name is. Don’t ask how they passed, if the parent wants to share this they will. Help us remember the good times by asking us to tell you about them. That is when you will see the joy and happiness that that child brought us. Yes, there may be tears, there may be laughter but do us the honor of asking about our child’s time here on earth it will take that weight that has been sitting there away. This is the biggest blessing you can give a mother who has to live without their child.