Who Am I Now

This morning as I sat there pondering life. I came to realize how different a person I am now than who I was a year and a half ago. 18 months ago I was lost and confused, I didn’t have this strength inside of me, this strength that gets me up in the morning and pulls me through the day, this strength that would be this amazing relationship with Jesus! I often find myself reverting to, or comparing, if you will, life before Aubrey and life after Aubrey. It seems as though that is the way my life is split, split between the person I was before she was given to us and the person I am now.

Looking back, although it didn’t seem that way at the time, life before Aubrey was simple, my biggest worry was if I was being a good step-mom and my relationship with my step-daughter. Many will say that’s not simple but let me tell you, I have been blessed with the best step-daughter in the world and yes we have absolutely had our issues but God is so so good and has helped us in ways only He can. Our relationship now is the best it has ever been. Before Aubrey, I was trying to figure out who I really was. I didn’t have as close of a relationship with Jesus and I was trying to do it all on my own. I was trying to figure out how to be a step-mom to a girl who is only 12 years younger than me while struggling to have kids of my own and while trying to figure out this marriage thing.

Then God blessed us with our sweet Aubrey. The 13 months that she was on this earth was the transition from the person I once was to the person I am now. During those 13 months, I isolated myself. My sole focus was my daughter. I fully admit and regret how I did some things, especially the way I treated my step-daughter. All of us were lost and confused and I, as the adult should have taken responsibility but I didn’t. All I wanted was for my daughter to be happy and healthy. With all of her medical issues I chose to fully focus on her and her needs, while my step-daughter got pushed to the side. Hate is a strong word and I don’t like using it, but I hate that I did this to her. I saw myself as Aubrey’s mom and nothing else during her 13 months here. I didn’t focus on my relationship with Christ or anything else, I think I only went to church a handful of times. Now that I am able to look back, I can see how I was transitioning from the old me to this new me, and how I needed all of this to become the person that I want to be.

Life after Aubrey is absolutely the hardest thing I have ever done, you all know that if you have read any of my past blog posts. Learning this new normal and this entirely new person that I am has been a huge challenge. I struggle each and every day to chose to get up and put a smile on, but that’s what it is, a choice. After your child goes to heaven, your view of life changes, your priorities change. I see life now through entirely different eyes. I make the effort to visit my friends, I am seeing just how amazing perfect strangers are. My relationships with others have grown tremendously. I know that it is okay to show my emotions and people actually care, instead of judging you. I never thought of myself as a person of value, but I can see how you all truly care about me and knowing that I have Jesus always by my side, makes me feel that I am worth something. Each day is a battle with my own self and yes there are more days than not that I fail. But I chose to get up the next day and do my best to make it better than the one before.

I am choosing to live my life for Christ and for my angel girl. Life is way too short to be anything but happy. I am learning how to be my best self everyday and not worry about what others think of me. I don’t want to be defined as the lady who lost a child, but as a woman who rose to the challenge and created a life out of the love she had for Jesus.