The Aging Mind

Have you ever felt like you are way older than you are? Your mind and soul feel as though they are aging faster than your body. I was discussing this the other day with someone and it dawned on me how old I really felt that I should be, definitely not only 31 years old.

It amazes me how life experiences can make the mind aging process go so much faster. How much you grow up when you experience tragic events. Now mind you, I have always been one to hang out with my parents and even go out with them and their friends. Growing up I would choose nights hanging with them over my friends. I don’t know if that sounds weird but I have always felt older than those my age. With already feeling older and then adding child loss to that, man I feel ancient.

Not only feeling older in that sense but also in a forgetful sense. My mind is definitely not what it used to be. I tend to tell people that grief brain is a real thing. I have to concentrate so hard to remember anything. If I tell you to let me write that down or send me a text to remind me, I’m serious because I will not remember. I sometimes even need a reminder to look at my reminders because I can’t remember to even do that….crazy huh? Sometimes I think I am going crazy. My step daughter just gives me funny looks because she knows I am going to forget what I just said I was going to do. Last Friday was one of those days x1000, I could not, for the life of me keep anything straight. Then try going to work when your having one of those days, oh man, concentration overdrive.

I think sometimes I bring it on myself, if that’s possible. I get myself way too busy, like right now I am working 2 jobs and trying to run my own business…say what? Which I know I shouldn’t be doing for my own sanity, but I have this problem with saying no to people, which I really need to work on (easier said than done, right?). But I just set a huge business goal for myself and hopefully all of my focus will be turning to that real soon.

During my grief support group this week we were discussing how all of these new feelings, emotions, highs and lows, that we are experiencing after the loss of our loved ones are all things that you have never thought you would have known. They are all things nobody talks about outside of loss, you really don’t even know some of these emotions exist until you have gone through losing a loved one. I would have never thought that my memory would change so fast. I used to remember just about everything but not anymore. I would have never felt how it feels to know joy and pain both at the same time or how quickly a trigger can send you in a downward spiral. I have learned more about myself, both emotionally and physically from going through all of these emotions than I ever knew before Aubrey was given to us. How quickly you age when you are forced to choose between drowning yourself in bottle of alcohol and laying in bed all day or honoring your child’s life by getting up and living each day the best that you can.